Monday, September 15, 2014

Monday Joke

Recently leaked Church documents confirm that in the last Papal elections, Cardinal Bergoglio (Pope Francis)was originally not the Cardinals' first choice. The first choice  was, interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje.

Grapje went to a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a   young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.  Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in  Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in.  Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rites to those too severely injured to move.

Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye.  The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt that he could never ascend to the Papacy. Apparently, they bypassed him because they felt that the Faithful would never accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying  purple Papal leader.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Never Forget


I typically don't post much on 9-11. I mean it's obligatory to post something to commemorate the event, but it's not an event I like to remember. So I thought I'd write about what we really should never forget.

Let's never forget a president who, rather than spouting rhetoric and hatred, expressed his sorrow and pursued justice.

Let's never forget the men and women who risked their lives to try to rescue survivors.

Especially now that we seem hopelessly divided, let's never forget how we all came together as brothers and sisters

...and above all let's not forget God.


St. Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our protection against
the wickedness and snares of the devil;
may God rebuke him, we humbly pray;
and do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly host,
by the power of God, thrust into hell
Satan and all evil spirits
who wander through the world
seeking the ruin of souls.
Amen.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Monday Joke

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a small frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll go on a date with you for a reward."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

The frog then said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll be your girlfriend for the rest of the year."

Nothing.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you and be your girlfriend. Why won't you kiss me?"


The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Monday, September 1, 2014

Monday Joke

Little Johnny is afraid of the dark.

His mother wanted to help him get over it, so she came up with an idea to reward him for facing his fears. "Johnny," she called "If you go down in the basement and get my big mixing bowl I'll make you a big batch of chocolate chip cookies."

Johnny replied "But mom, it's dark down there and I'm afraid."

"You don't need to be afraid Johnny, Jesus will take care of you."

"Is Jesus going to be with me when I go downstairs?"

"Yes, Jesus is everywhere. Up here, in the basement, all over."

Johnny hesitantly walked over to the basement door, opened it, and peered into the darkness. He called out cautiously "Jesus, if you're down there, could you please hand me the big mixing bowl?"

Monday, August 25, 2014

Monday Joke

Sad how the press distorts stories....or maybe funny?

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.  Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.  A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really.  The lion was behind bars.  I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.  I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.  So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, and a Republican".

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

Monday, August 18, 2014

Monday Joke

With apologies in advance. You have been warned.

There are two legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them.

Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the vendors' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realize that it's really there. So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the proprietor, "Sir, we have been traveling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"

The man shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."

The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the vendor, "Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been traveling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water."

The vendor looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me...all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you.."

The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the owner, "Look mate," (cos they'd stopped talking funny all of a sudden) "we need water or we'll die. We've been traveling without water for days and need some now, "Do you have any you can sell us?"

The man looked at his shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration." The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each person whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each one gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands.

Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other ..and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands." The other turned to face his companion and replied "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar".

Monday, August 11, 2014

Monday Joke

President Obama walks into a Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me?”

Cashier: “It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?”

Obama: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am President Barack Hussein Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA!!!!”

Cashier: “Yes sir, I know who the president is, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd /Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.

Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”

Cashier: “I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”

Obama: “I order you to cash this check!”

Cashier: “Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank floor into a cup. With that shot we knew he was Tiger Woods and cashed his check.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed such a perfect serve, the tennis ball landed in my cup without spilling my coffee. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?”

Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, “Honestly, I can’t think of a single thing. I don’t have a clue what to do.”

Cashier: “Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?”

[H/T Paul Sofranko]