Monday, October 20, 2014

Monday Joke

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."


Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Monday, October 13, 2014

Monday Joke

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three years ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[H/T Makemeaspark from plurk]

Monday, October 6, 2014

Monday Joke

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over.

Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver obviously confused said,"Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".

"Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time"

"Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."

[H/T Andy Burnette on FB]

Monday, September 22, 2014

Monday Joke

Today's politically incorrect joke...

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, President Obama meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

“No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up."

Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"Why no," he answers, "I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy He climbs the ladder yet again. He discovers a larger room where he meets an Angelic looking man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, are you Mohammed?'

"No, I am Jesus, the Christ; You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher.

Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

"No, my son, I am Almighty God the Father, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?"

Obama says, "Yes please!"

God claps his hands and yells out: "Yo, Mohammed, two coffees!"


[H/T Suzanne from plurk]

Monday, September 15, 2014

Monday Joke

Recently leaked Church documents confirm that in the last Papal elections, Cardinal Bergoglio (Pope Francis)was originally not the Cardinals' first choice. The first choice  was, interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje.

Grapje went to a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a   young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.  Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in  Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in.  Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rites to those too severely injured to move.

Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye.  The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt that he could never ascend to the Papacy. Apparently, they bypassed him because they felt that the Faithful would never accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying  purple Papal leader.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Never Forget


I typically don't post much on 9-11. I mean it's obligatory to post something to commemorate the event, but it's not an event I like to remember. So I thought I'd write about what we really should never forget.

Let's never forget a president who, rather than spouting rhetoric and hatred, expressed his sorrow and pursued justice.

Let's never forget the men and women who risked their lives to try to rescue survivors.

Especially now that we seem hopelessly divided, let's never forget how we all came together as brothers and sisters

...and above all let's not forget God.


St. Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our protection against
the wickedness and snares of the devil;
may God rebuke him, we humbly pray;
and do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly host,
by the power of God, thrust into hell
Satan and all evil spirits
who wander through the world
seeking the ruin of souls.
Amen.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Monday Joke

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a small frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll go on a date with you for a reward."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

The frog then said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll be your girlfriend for the rest of the year."

Nothing.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you and be your girlfriend. Why won't you kiss me?"


The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."