Monday, June 22, 2015

Monday Joke

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard
him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'


Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died.

I married his widow.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Opposite Surgery

Monday, June 8, 2015

Monday Joke

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening Marine, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

Friday, June 5, 2015

Nancy Nancy Nancy

So Nancy Pelosi says that "gay marriage" is consistent with Catholicism (she disagrees with the Pope on that, but hey). She said:
“I thoroughly disagree (with Rubio’s opposition to gay marriage), being raised in a Catholic family... the Baltimore catechism, to get back to our hometown of Baltimore, was what we were raised on. And I think that this statement by Senator Rubio is most unfortunate. It’s a polarizing statement. The fact is, is that what we’re taught was to respect people in our faith and to say that this endangers mainstream Christian thinking is so completely wrong.”
So, she says we should look at the Baltimore Catechism. Fortunately, it's online, and I looked up the section on matrimony. It says [emphasis mine]:
Q. 1005. What is the Sacrament of Matrimony?A. The Sacrament of Matrimony is the Sacrament which unites a Christian man and woman in lawful marriage.
Q. 1006. When are persons lawfully married?A. Persons are lawfully married when they comply with all the laws of God and of the Church relating to marriage. To marry unlawfully is a mortal sin, and it deprives the souls of the grace of the Sacrament.
I won't hold my breath for her correction...

Monday, June 1, 2015

Monday Joke

The government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. The secretary of defense said, "Someone might steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then OSHA said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people: one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.

Then the union said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people: one to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then congress said, "How are all these people going to get paid?" So they created positions for a timekeeper and a payroll officer, and hired two more people to fill them.

Then IRS said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then congress said, "We've had this command in operation for one year now and we're $3,018,000 over budget. We have to cut back on overall costs."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Monday Joke

It's Memorial Day, and I don't usually post a joke on solemn occasions, but the spirit of this one seemed appropriate to honor our fallen soldiers.

A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Marine is better than ten ISIS fighters”.

The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: “One Marine is better than one hundred ISIS “S.O.B.s”.

Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: “One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters.”

The enraged ISIS commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought …. Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,

“Don’t send any more men… it’s a trap...


There’s two of them.”

Monday, May 18, 2015

Monday Joke

Larry got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date’s door. She opened it and to his amazement and joy, was as lovely and sweet as his friend Dave had promised.

“I’ll be ready in a few minutes,” she said. “Why don’t you play with Snuggles while you’re waiting? She does wonderful tricks. She’ll roll over, shake hands, sit up and if you make a hoop with your arms, like this, she’ll jump through.”

The dog followed Larry out onto the balcony and started rolling over. Larry made a hoop with his arms and sure enough, Snuggles jumped right through - and then over the balcony railing just before Larry’s date walked out!

“Isn’t little Snuggles the cutest, happiest dog you’ve ever seen?”


“To tell the truth,” he replied, “she seemed a little depressed to me.”