Monday, August 25, 2014

Monday Joke

Sad how the press distorts stories....or maybe funny?

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.  Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.  A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really.  The lion was behind bars.  I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.  I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.  So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, and a Republican".

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

Monday, August 18, 2014

Monday Joke

With apologies in advance. You have been warned.

There are two legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them.

Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the vendors' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realize that it's really there. So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the proprietor, "Sir, we have been traveling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"

The man shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."

The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the vendor, "Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been traveling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water."

The vendor looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me...all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you.."

The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the owner, "Look mate," (cos they'd stopped talking funny all of a sudden) "we need water or we'll die. We've been traveling without water for days and need some now, "Do you have any you can sell us?"

The man looked at his shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration." The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each person whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each one gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands.

Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other ..and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands." The other turned to face his companion and replied "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar".

Monday, August 11, 2014

Monday Joke

President Obama walks into a Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me?”

Cashier: “It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?”

Obama: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am President Barack Hussein Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA!!!!”

Cashier: “Yes sir, I know who the president is, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd /Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.

Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”

Cashier: “I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”

Obama: “I order you to cash this check!”

Cashier: “Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank floor into a cup. With that shot we knew he was Tiger Woods and cashed his check.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed such a perfect serve, the tennis ball landed in my cup without spilling my coffee. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?”

Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, “Honestly, I can’t think of a single thing. I don’t have a clue what to do.”

Cashier: “Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?”

[H/T Paul Sofranko]

Monday, August 4, 2014

Monday Joke

Three Bills died at the same time. There was a $100 Bill, a $20 Bill and a $1 Bill.

They arrived at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at them and asked what happened.

The $100 Bill explained that they'd been taken back to the government because of old age and destroyed. So St. Peter asked "How was your life?"

The $100 Bill said "Oh, it was great! I was in the finest restaurants, I flew first class to Europe. I was on several lovely cruises. I was in beautiful jewelry stores. There was one incident with cocaine, but it wasn't my fault and I got cleaned up fast."

St. Peter said "Well, come on in."

The $20 Bill said "I had a good life too. I was at the grocery store, the bowling alley, baseball games, gas stations, fast food restaurants, birthday parties, on a fishing boat, in coach class on several airplanes and made several trips to big cities."

St. Peter invited him in.

The $1 Bill said "I went to Church, I went to Church, I went to Church, I went to Church..."


[H/T Fr. John Higgins on FB]

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Building Codes


 You didn't build that!



Monday, July 28, 2014

Monday Joke

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted.

The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.

"Now find Psalm 23" he commanded The dog dropped the Bible to the floor and showing the marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and found the correct passage, then pointed to it with his paw. 

The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit.

The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. Finally, one man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks , too?"

"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied.. He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!"


[H/T jlovesr on plurk]

Friday, July 25, 2014

So let it be written...

Nancy Pelosi says the story of Moses should be our model for welcoming immigrants. Once again she shows her ignorance of her faith.

First off, Moses was not an illegal alien. Rather, he was a child of the slave class slated to die because there were "too many of *those*" people." So the story is more analogous to Margaret Sanger (or Ruth Bader-Ginsburg or Nancy Pelosi herself) on abortion.

But let's overlook that and pretend the story is an analogue. Does she realize that the Egyptian Empire was basically destroyed by "welcoming" Moses into their household? Then what lesson are we supposed to apply to our dealings with illegal immigrant children? Kill them all or America will be destroyed?

Realize I am not suggesting we do this, I'm just saying that is the only lesson that makes sense if you want to compare your government to the Egyptian Empire and your President to Pharaoh. Maybe that's what she meant - I recall Pharaoh issuing a lot of executive orders. "So let it be written... so let it be done!"