Monday Joke

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard

him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died.

I married his widow.

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Monday Joke

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening Marine, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

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Monday Joke

The government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. The secretary of defense said, "Someone might steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then OSHA said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people: one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.

Then the union said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people: one to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then congress said, "How are all these people going to get paid?" So they created positions for a timekeeper and a payroll officer, and hired two more people to fill them.

Then IRS said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then congress said, "We've had this command in operation for one year now and we're $3,018,000 over budget. We have to cut back on overall costs."

So they laid off the night watchman.

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Monday Joke

It's Memorial Day, and I don't usually post a joke on solemn occasions, but the spirit of this one seemed appropriate to honor our fallen soldiers.

A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Marine is better than ten ISIS fighters”.

The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: “One Marine is better than one hundred ISIS “S.O.B.s”.

Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: “One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters.”

The enraged ISIS commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought …. Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,

“Don’t send any more men… it’s a trap...

There’s two of them.”

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Monday Joke

Larry got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date’s door. She opened it and to his amazement and joy, was as lovely and sweet as his friend Dave had promised.

“I’ll be ready in a few minutes,” she said. “Why don’t you play with Snuggles while you’re waiting? She does wonderful tricks. She’ll roll over, shake hands, sit up and if you make a hoop with your arms, like this, she’ll jump through.”

The dog followed Larry out onto the balcony and started rolling over. Larry made a hoop with his arms and sure enough, Snuggles jumped right through - and then over the balcony railing just before Larry’s date walked out!

“Isn’t little Snuggles the cutest, happiest dog you’ve ever seen?”

“To tell the truth,” he replied, “she seemed a little depressed to me.”

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Monday Joke

A mangy looking guy goes into a restaurant and orders a hamburger. The waiter shakes his head and says, “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”

The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you have never seen before, will you give me the food?”

“Deal!”

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster and puts it on the counter. The hamster runs to the end of the counter, across the room, and up the piano. He jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin tunes.

The waiter says, “Wow, you’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is a really good piano player.”

He brings the man a hamburger, which he promptly eats and asks for another.

“Money or another miracle,” says the waiter.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the counter, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the counter runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, “It’s a deal.” He takes the money. The stranger takes the frog and runs out of the restaurant.

The waiter says. “Are you crazy? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions.”

“Nah,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”

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Monday Joke

A Montana State trooper pulled a car over on I-90 about 2 miles east of Bozeman, Montana. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a 'Magician and Juggler' and was on his way to Bozeman to do a show for the Children’s Hospital. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from Butte, Montana got out, watched the performance, then went over to the trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

[H/T Fr. Leo]

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Monday Joke

Trout season has begun, and so I offer you this joke:

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and reads her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, thinking, Isn’t that obvious?

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day, ma’am,” the game warden replied, and he left.

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Monday Joke

Better late than never...

A man walks into an inn and greets the innkeeper at the front desk. The man asked the innkeeper for a room and the innkeeper says, "Ok, $15 for a room, $5 if you make your own bed."

So the man says, "Ok, I will make my bed"

Then finally the innkeeper says : "Great, here is some wood and nails. Get working."

[H/T Say Grace...

on plurk]

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Monday Joke

On Easter morning, little Thelma opens her Easter basket, and asks, "Daddy, will you and mommy get mad at me for giving someone else my chocolate bunny? I don't want you to think I'm not grateful to get it."

Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I won't get mad. Who do you want to give a your bunny to?"

"The Isis group," she says.

"Why them," her father asks in shock?

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American girl could have enough love to give them a chocolate bunny for Easter, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent candy and presents to them, they'd love everyone a lot.

"And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.

"Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of them."

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Monday Joke

Since I hear that they want to replace Air Force One I thought this would be a good joke for today...

President Obama was visiting a primary school in North Carolina and visited a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy.""No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room."Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.

In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet it wouldn't be an accident either!"

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Monday Joke

A guy sees a sign in front of a house “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.

So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says “Ten dollars.”

The guy says he’ll buy him but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?”

The owner replies, “He’s such a liar. He didn't do any of those things!”

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Monday Joke

One day my wife was out and I was in charge of our youngest daughter.

She was 3 years old and had just gotten a little 'tea set' as a birthday gift and it was one of her favorite toys.

I was in the living room engrossed in the game when she brought me a little cup of "tea," which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, her mother came home.

I made her wait in the living room to watch our daughter bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!"

My wife waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched me drink it up.

Then my wife says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

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Monday Joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks "Would you like to play a fun game?" The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, and politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, thinks for almost an hour before he breaks down, takes out his laptop and searches all his references, no answer. He tries calling all his friends, still no answer.

Finally, as they are getting closer to landing, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

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Monday Joke

Danny had recently passed his driving test and decided to ask his clergyman father if there was any chance of him getting a car for Christmas, which was yet some months away.

"Okay." said his father "I'll tell you what I’ll do. If you can get your ‘C’ level grades up to ‘A’s and ‘B’s, study your bible and get your hair cut, I’ll consider the matter very seriously."

A couple of months later Danny had studied his way to better grades, and went back to his father.

His father said "I’m really impressed by your commitment to your studies. Your grades are excellent and the work you have put into your bible studies is very encouraging. However, I have to say I’m very disappointed that you haven’t had your hair cut yet."

Danny was a smart young man who was never lost for an answer. "Look dad. In the course of my bible studies I’ve noticed in the illustrations that Moses, John the Baptist, Samson and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes. I’m aware of that…" replied his father "… but did you also notice they walked wherever they went?"

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Monday Joke

Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are walking along.

They see a sign: "Contest for World's Most Beautiful Woman." Snow White goes in, later comes out smiling, wearing a crown.

They walk along and see another sign: "Contest for World's Strongest Man." Superman goes in, later comes out smiling, wearing the belt.

They walk along and see a sign: "Contest for World's Greatest Liar." Pinocchio goes in, later comes out with his head down crying.

"Who the hell is Barack Obama?" Pinocchio sobs.

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Monday Joke

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250.00. The farmer promised to deliver the horse the next day.

The farmer showed up early the next morning and told Chuck "I have some bad news, the horse died."

Chuck said "Well then, just give me my money back."

"I can't do that," the farmer replied. "I already spent the money."

"Then bring me the dead horse," said Chuck.

"What are you gonna do with a dead horse?" asked the farmer.

"I am gonna auction him off" said Chuck.

"You can't auction off a dead horse!"

"Watch me."

A few weeks later, the farmer ran into Chuck and inquired about the dead horse auction.

Chuck said "It worked out great! I sold five hundred tickets for five dollars each, and I made $2245 in profit."

"Didn't the people complain?"

"Only the the guy who won. I gave him his money back."

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Monday Joke (and an appeal)

First the appeal. My son's school, Mater Dei Prep has been told they will close unless they raise $1 million in the next 60 days. The school had financial troubles years back and has been slowly digging itself out of debt, but apparently not fast enough for the diocese. It currently has an expected budget gap of $400k, and we're told the $1 million will pay for that and the next 2 years until it is expected to be debt free and self sufficient.

If you can find it in your heart to help please pray for the students and staff, and if you have the means, please donate what you can either at this link online or by mailing a check (saves on credit card processing fees) to

Mater Dei Prep 
538 Church Street 
Middletown, NJ 07748

Thank you for your prayers and support. Now onto the joke.

This past week I was at the filming of the new Great Adventure Bible study: "Unlocking the Mystery of the Bible." It was very interesting, and informative. During the "down times" (when they were working technical issues, etc.) the director told this joke:

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"

To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied.

"What word?" she asked.

"Love" answered St. Peter. "You must spell the word 'Love.'"

The woman promptly replied, "L-o-v-e."

St. Peter opened the gates and she entered heaven. There she found all the faithful departed and saints having endless celebrations. She met Jesus and the Apostles, and was enjoying herself immensely.

After about a week St. Peter came to visit her. "How are you enjoying heaven?" he asked.

"Oh I love it! I never imagined anything this wonderful!"

"I have a favor to ask" said St. Peter.  "We're having a special party for my mother in law, and I was wondering if you could watch the gates for me for a little while so I can attend?"

"I'd be happy to" replied the woman.

"You remember what to do, right? They have to spell the word to get into heaven."

"Yes, I remember. Have fun at the party and give my love to your mother in law."

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her ex-husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"

He said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"

To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."

"What word?" he asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

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Monday Joke

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the 

lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"

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Monday Joke

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---- Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. Fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact. "CRAP" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Center and Claude was never invited again.

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