Monday, March 30, 2015

Monday Joke

Since I hear that they want to replace Air Force One I thought this would be a good joke for today...

President Obama was visiting a primary school in North Carolina and visited a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy.""No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room."Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.

In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet it wouldn't be an accident either!"

Monday, March 23, 2015

Monday Joke

A guy sees a sign in front of a house “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.

So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says “Ten dollars.”

The guy says he’ll buy him but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?”

The owner replies, “He’s such a liar. He didn't do any of those things!”

Monday, March 16, 2015

Monday Joke

One day my wife was out and I was in charge of our youngest daughter.

She was 3 years old and had just gotten a little 'tea set' as a birthday gift and it was one of her favorite toys.

I was in the living room engrossed in the game when she brought me a little cup of "tea," which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, her mother came home.

I made her wait in the living room to watch our daughter bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!"

My wife waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched me drink it up.

Then my wife says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Monday, March 9, 2015

Monday Joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks "Would you like to play a fun game?" The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, and politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, thinks for almost an hour before he breaks down, takes out his laptop and searches all his references, no answer. He tries calling all his friends, still no answer.

Finally, as they are getting closer to landing, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Opposite Employment

Another one for the Opposite Files:

Well, I guess that makes sense, since Mozilla is all about morality and the Catholic Church doesn't really have a position on it...

Monday, March 2, 2015

Monday Joke

Danny had recently passed his driving test and decided to ask his clergyman father if there was any chance of him getting a car for Christmas, which was yet some months away.

"Okay." said his father "I'll tell you what I’ll do. If you can get your ‘C’ level grades up to ‘A’s and ‘B’s, study your bible and get your hair cut, I’ll consider the matter very seriously."

A couple of months later Danny had studied his way to better grades, and went back to his father.

His father said "I’m really impressed by your commitment to your studies. Your grades are excellent and the work you have put into your bible studies is very encouraging. However, I have to say I’m very disappointed that you haven’t had your hair cut yet."

Danny was a smart young man who was never lost for an answer. "Look dad. In the course of my bible studies I’ve noticed in the illustrations that Moses, John the Baptist, Samson and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes. I’m aware of that…" replied his father "… but did you also notice they walked wherever they went?"