Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Monday, July 28, 2014
Monday Joke
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted.
The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.
"Now find Psalm 23" he commanded The dog dropped the Bible to the floor and showing the marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and found the correct passage, then pointed to it with his paw.
The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit.
The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. Finally, one man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks , too?"
"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied.. He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!"
[H/T jlovesr on plurk]
Friday, July 25, 2014
So let it be written...
First off, Moses was not an illegal alien. Rather, he was a child of the slave class slated to die because there were "too many of *those*" people." So the story is more analogous to Margaret Sanger (or Ruth Bader-Ginsburg or Nancy Pelosi herself) on abortion.
But let's overlook that and pretend the story is an analogue. Does she realize that the Egyptian Empire was basically destroyed by "welcoming" Moses into their household? Then what lesson are we supposed to apply to our dealings with illegal immigrant children? Kill them all or America will be destroyed?
Realize I am not suggesting we do this, I'm just saying that is the only lesson that makes sense if you want to compare your government to the Egyptian Empire and your President to Pharaoh. Maybe that's what she meant - I recall Pharaoh issuing a lot of executive orders. "So let it be written... so let it be done!"
Monday, July 21, 2014
Monday Joke
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear!"
Monday, July 14, 2014
Monday Joke
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a mass for them."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Monday, July 7, 2014
Monday Joke
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.
He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid, and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"Yeah, You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
[H/T Suzanne on plurk]
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